2 April 1998

Matthew Parris

Matthew Parris, Times and Sun Journalist and Former Conservative MP

Warming to the thought of high seas

The U.S. President flunked Europe’s challenge to cut down on greenhouse gases and save the planet from rising sea levels. America just can’t kick the gas-guzzling habit. Well thank goodness for that.

Let’s hear it for Bill Clinton’s green light to the greenhouse effect!

Roll on global warming! The sea could rise by a few metres, say the scientists.

Not enough, I say ! Get those fossil fuels burning and let’s go for a real deluge.


What an improvement! Out go all those dreadful seaside towns. No more party conferences! Out goes Swansea. Out goes Bognor. Out go the lowlands of Scotland. Glug, glug Liverpool, Poole, Blackpool, Hartlepool, Anywhere-pool.

Who will honestly miss Humberside? Will the submerging of the Southend Pier really make such a hole in our lives? Teresa Gorman’s entire constituency of Billericay will disappear. Serves them right.

I have three worries. One: we’d better raise the Thames barrage; London has to stay. Two: Scotland is still not quite cut off from England - which would be better for both nations.

And Newcastle would be waterlogged. I have many friends there. Geordies must be given plenty of warning and led to safety on the North Yorkshire moors.

But the best news is this. Every acre of my beloved Derbyshire will survive.

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